Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Never Give Up

When my husband and I got married, we both knew that we wanted to have children - We just had no idea how difficult that would really be.  For some reason I knew I would have a hard time getting pregnant, and I was right.  Nine months after trying, we were referred to a fertility doctor.  We went through all the tests, and then moved onto IUIs.  Once they didn’t work, we moved onto IVF.  The first two times didn’t even take – talk about disappointment.  The third try took, but then was called a “blighted ovum,” an amniotic sac but no embryo.  Rock bottom is how I felt.  At this point, I was in a really bad place mentally.  So many whys and no answers.  

It was my husband who reached out to a psychologist for me because he knew that’s what was best for me.  I wasn’t against it; I just hadn’t taken the initiative.  I’m so glad my husband did that for me. Not only was my doctor helpful, but she is also who recommended another fertility specialist to see, so we made the move to a new doctor – Dr. Ben Gocial.  He read through our long files and together we decided to do another egg retrieval for yet another round of IVF.  It took and I was pregnant…for nine weeks.  We saw a heartbeat, but then it appeared as though the embryo was not growing and the heartbeat weakened until it was no longer there.  It was determined that I needed a DNC.  Rock bottom again…especially when I found out the baby we had lost this time was a boy.  Still we pushed on.  It wasn’t easy, but my need and want to be a mother was too strong to ignore.  

My husband was there for me every step of the way.  He let me know that if it ever became too much on me physically or mentally, it was okay we stop with the treatments.  We pushed on; I wasn’t ready to give up.  I expressed to my husband on one of my darkest days that I believed I was born to be a mother, I just didn’t have my babies yet, and I wasn’t ready to give up on that yet.  So…we tried IVF for the fifth time on 12.12.12.   Turns out that special date was super lucky for us.  Success…we were pregnant.  

This time felt different right away.  Finally, I had a good feeling…then eight days later, I saw the ultrasound of my twins for the first time.  We had been blessed times two!  I’m so glad I never gave up on the dream of being a mother.  My dream has come true, times two, and I am living the dream each and every day with my twins, Alexa and Rocco.

Having twins is a blessing…but also a challenge.  While there are so many beautiful, special, and memorable moments, there are also many holy s*#t moments.  The first year and especially the first few months are very difficult.  The twins are so tiny and rely on you for everything at every moment of the day.  Without a supportive and helpful husband, I don’t think I would have survived those first few months and the whole first year.  While I considered myself to be a pro right away and that I had it down, there were always situations that just popped up that I could have never planned ahead for.  Between the blowouts, spit-up, and middle of the night feedings, a supportive husband was exactly what was necessary.  

We did the whole divide and conquer/man to man defense.  My daughter nursed, but due to a stint in the NICU, my son did not.  For him, I pumped.   Because my son was bottlefed, my husband had him in the middle of the night if and when he woke, and then I would nurse my daughter when she woke up.  Thank goodness for my teammate.  He was just helpful in middle of the night feedings, but my husband also had a way of telling when I was about to hit my “breaking point.”  I was blessed to stay home with the twins for their whole first year.  While it was an amazingly wonderful experience, it was also completely exhausting.  My husband would always know when I needed a few minutes to myself, whether it was to eat, lay down, or even just shower.  

Now here we are with almost 22 months of experience under our belts.  We are still a team and a united front.  Obviously, things have changed as far as with the twins’ development and needs, but working together will always make it more manageable and more enjoyable.  Our happiest times are when the four of us are all together.  We are a team, a unit, and most importantly, a family, and family always has each other’s backs.