I wrote the post below two weeks before Jude & Sloane turned one. I remember crying while I typed and having to wipe the tears away so I could see the computer screen. When you become a mom, every bit of who you are feels a little more. Highs are so much higher. Lows are so much lower.
I read this post today and wanted to give my 2013 self a hug. My babies are almost 2.5 and I can say with absolute certainty: It just keeps getting better. I still miss their tiny bodies and newborn yawns, but when my daughter put her tiny hands on my face tonight and said, "Love you, mama..." I know I'm right where I belong.
To all the moms who are approaching their twins' first birthday.... It's ok to hide in your room and let the tears fall before they tear into their smash cakes. It's ok to rock them to sleep on the eve of their birthday. It's ok to wonder if life could get any sweeter than it is this very second.
I promise you... It does.
On My Current State
Written October 18, 2013 (Originally posted here.)
Jude and Sloane are about to turn one.
People ask how I'm doing. I put a smile on my face and tell them about Jude & Sloane's birthday party, about their recent discoveries, about their hair or lack of hair. I talk about each of these things because I won't--I can't--talk about the fact my babies are no longer babies.
I'm not handling it well.
When Michael and I decided to have a baby, each month went by so slowly. Once I was pregnant, time seemed to pick up a bit, back to the "normal" I was so accustomed to. But once I held Jude & Sloane in my arms, someone hit the fast forward button and I've spent the last year trying to keep up.
When you have one child at a time you have a chance to take a breath and celebrate each milestone. While it may be bittersweet, you know in the back of your head you will revisit this milestone with his or her sibling in one year, two years, three years, etc. For us, we get two or three weeks and then... it's over. Both rolled over. Both crawled. And as of today, both have taken steps. Every first is a last. Every sweet moment is over before I have the chance to let the newness sink in. And while I'm not complaining--I am so grateful my kids are healthy and developing on track--I just want to hit the pause button. Just for a moment. And maybe replay a few moments that were gone too soon.
I want my babies to sleep in my arms again. I want to see them discover their hands, their feet, each other... for the first time. I want to hear their sweet cries in the delivery room. I want to see Jude's baby penguin hair stick straight up. I want to see Sloane smile after being so serious her first few months. I want to watch my husband hold his tiny son and daughter in the crook of his arm.
I'm so grateful I was given the opportunity to experience each.
And now, I will continue to enjoy the small moments, push through the tough moments, and celebrate the big moments. I will make sure Jude & Sloane know they are loved through each of these moments. I will make sure they understand how easy that is for me to do.
Who knew two tiny babies could change my whole world? It's been the best, most refreshing surprise of my life.